Yesterday I sat down and wrote an outline for the book, including appendices for malpractice lawyers and board certified reconstructive surgeons by state. I have the forward done-an edited version of my essay here “Being Pretty”. Then I settled in to write chapter one, My Story, and promptly froze up like the metaphorical deer.
You, Dear Reader, keep telling me that I am strong and brave but I’m STILL not. I know I’m ready to write the book, but I’m afraid of dredging up old emotions. The up side is that I know they’re old emotions and all I have to do is go look in the mirror to remind myself that I’m just fine now. I’m more fortunate in that regard than some of you out there.
Some wounds run deep. This is one of them. So I’m writing this entry because talking to you, dear reader, has been a source of sanity all through this trial. Talking about the hurt helps. Personally, I’d rather bludgeon it into submission but that still hasn’t happened.
I’m not brave (in my opinion). I just got through it day by day, minute by minute. Sometimes second by second. Most of the time, with help. I’m only courageous in the “Princess Diaries” quote way (Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.). I won’t be out there on the front lines leading a battle charge. My weapon of choice is the keyboard.
I’m still afraid. I’m still emotional. My heart aches EVERY TIME I get an email from someone else going through this. But I’m pushing forward. And much like with how I dealt with losing my nipples and areolae, there will be backwards progress and days like yesterday when I just lock up and can’t do any more.
I hope to have my first rough draft done by March. That’s when there is an intensive writer’s weekend in Atlanta that I want to attend. In the mean time, I still need your stories. I already have one person who has agreed to an interview. Again, if you are willing, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your name or situation being published, we can change your name for the book.
I’ve always told you that you’re not alone. It’s good to know that I’m not, either.