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Monthly Archives: October 2008

A Ring and A Date

I once listened to an episode of Dr. Laura in which she told a young woman that her engagement wasn’t real until she had a ring and a date.  Friday morning I booked my “engagement”.

Of course this was after a long, heartfelt discussion with Dr. Elliott.  As you all know I’ve been freaking out.  As Ken and I were waiting for the doctor to come in, I broke down and he walked in while Ken was comforting me.  So the interview starts with me talking about how terrified I was about complications after this surgery.

He proceeded to tell me that what I was feeling was perfectly natural and that it was completely understandable that I would feel this way.  HOWEVER he chose the specific Latissimus Dorsai Flap (http://www.emedicine.com/plastic/topic137.htm)  reconstruction because there was a lower risk than the Tram Flap or Tummy Tuck style procedure.

He also explained that with someone my age, that a standard anchor style breast lift was a bad idea because it thinned tissue that was already stretched by breastfeeding and age.  Then add to that the pressure of putting an implant in to make an area larger that the lift made smaller, plus the lack of drains in the incisions and it wasn’t surprising that I developed necrosis.

If you follow the link you’ll see that what happens is that sections of muscle, fat and skin are removed from the back and then rotated around to the front and molded into a breast mound.  I have always wanted what I refer to as ski slope breasts.  They’re the ones that are rounded on the underside and the top slopes down to the nipple.  Dr. Elliott said what I requested as far as breast shape is actually the ideal shape for me.  Because of the way the V.A.C. machine healed my chest, I have no bottom roundness so that is going to need to be completely constructed.

Of course I’ll have scars but honestly I’ll just be happy to have breasts again.

Then, once that part has healed, I’ll have one more surgery to reconstruct the nipples.  After that, all that’s left is the medical tattooing.

After the consultation I spoke with his scheduler and I’ve set a date.  The surgery will be May 29 2009.

Why so much time between now and the surgery?  I really don’t want to be laid up over the holidays.  This is our busy season for our business.  Plus I have schoolwork that needs to be completed.  My birthday is the end of January, our youngest son’s birthday is in February, our anniversary is in April and Balticon is the end of May.  Then I have about 11 weeks to recover before DragonCon.  It’s a helluva schedule which doesn’t even include family issues that we’re dealing with OR the move back to Atlanta that we’re planning once we get the house sold down here.

All that aside, my “engagement” is real.  I have a Ring and a Date :-)

 

Interview

While I’m at Dr. Elliott’s office I’m going to be doing an interview with him about the process.  I’m also going to be asking about the reality of complications, how frequently they really happen and what really causes them.  Once RoyallMedia.com has the new site up next month I’ll be posting that interview.  it will also be in one of the future episodes of BoobCast.

I’ll let you all know how it goes :-)

PS: After a brief conversation with Hubby, I feel a bit better.  I’m still overwhelmed, but as long as I remember that we’re taking it one step at a time, it’s easier to handle.

That, and remembering to take deep breaths when I start to freak out…  Also a major helper.  Oxygen: it’s a GOOD thing!

 

Terrified

Thursday morning at 11 am I have second appointment with Dr. Elliott.  We’ll talk more about the Bilateral Tram Flap reconstruction process, take pictures and do whatever needs to be done for preliminaries.

I’m nauseous.

On the up side I used to be nauseous and shaking.  That last part seems to have abated, so that’s a good thing.

I’m just so terrified that something else is going to go wrong. I’m scared beyond belief of having another severe complication like I had with the first  (or second) surgery, only worse.

So why am I even doing this?  I’m on the verge of tears, I’m so afraid.  I don’t know if I can do this.  Logically I realize that this is an unreasonable fear.  Dr. Elliott is far more experienced than the motherfucker who screwed me up before.  He has only had ONE instance in 22 years of a failure of the flap.  He learned how do the procedure by studying under the doctor who INVENTED the damned thing.

And yet…I’m going to throw up.

I’ve said before that I’m torn.  I can’t live like this.  I’m mangled.  My chest is a ruin.  Yet I’m terrified of something going wrong.   This decision is ripping me apart.  I think deer in headlights have more idiomotor control than I do right now.

I’m hard headed (thick skulled?) though.  I’ll find a way through the fear.  I have to.

I’m going to write another installment after my appointment.  So stay tuned boys and girls.  Same boob time.  Same boob chanel.

 

Second Guessing

I have moments, and I suppose everyone does, when I wonder if I’m making the right decisions.  When I have these moments I start looking at other options as though the grass is greener somewhere over there.

Tonight I read a post from someone that I asked advice from.  It was suggested that I talk to other surgeons besides Dr. Elliott about the best possible way to reconstruct my breasts.  It was a very prudent suggestion and I appreciated it.  So I looked at the links.

Now I realize that I have not posted photos and I will not until the BoobCast.net website is up and running.  So I can understand how she wouldn’t know of the extent of my current deformity.  So I shall explain.

Imagine, on my left side, a normal breast.  Now imagine it bluntly cut in half vertically with thick, ropey scar tissue where the nipple, areola and some tissue used to be.  On my right side, same thing except there is a slanted divot the width of a ball point pen.

I need a surgeon proficient in more than just implants and lifts.  I need a surgeon fully capable of completely reconstructing a breast from the ruins of my chest.  It will be like trying to build the Brooklyn Bridge with match sticks and crazy glue.

I found an amazing surgeon in Atlanta even though I live in Florida.  I really could care less about the travel.  Dr. Elliott is world renowned in his own right and studied under the surgeon who invented the most significant surgical procedure for breast reconstruction, the TRAM flap.  He also created techniques that advanced the procedure.

So I have to ask myself why I’m looking elsewhere for a surgeon.  Why am I second guessing??

I think it’s because, as I mentioned in “Scared and guilty”, I blame myself for what happened.  *I* chose the surgeon, so *I* let this happen.  So some part of me has GOT to be asking “What if I screw up again?”  What will happen THIS time if I make another bad decision?  Will I end up dead this time?

I’m torn because I’m afraid of making another drastic mistake but I also know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.  The rest of my life would, quite possibly, be shorter if I had to stay this mishapen freak i see myself as now.

What I really need is for someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that when all this is over with i will FINALLY have the beautiful breasts I’ve always wanted.

Please?

Someone?

Anyone?

 

Last Time

I think I’m making progress.  My last post was the first time in a while I’ve been THAT open about what has happened to me.  I think it will prove beneficial when it’s time for me to record that bit in BoobCast.  At least I hope it will.

Watching yourself literally fall apart is disheartening at best.  At worst it drove me to desperate measures.  The good part is that, with help and support I survived.  People tell me I’m a strong person so I supposed that perhaps I am.  I just don’t often see that in myself.  Even the strongest people have moments of dire weakness.  It’s part of being human.

I’m rambling tonight.  It was a long day so I’ll write more when I’m coherent.

 

Batshit Crazy

I was hooked up to a portable V.A.C. machine (http://www.kci1.com/35.asp), from December 7th 2007 until January 24th 2008 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Except for the few hours every three days that my husband spent pulling the specialized foam from the open wounds in my chest, cutting new pieces and putting the plastic and suction tubes back on, I carried this thing around with me as it slowly healed my chest.

It uses low level vacuum pressure to close the wounds and pull out dead tissue and fluids.  In all honesty I think it saved my life.  Up until the point that the surgeon’s nurse suggested it, I had been packing the open wounds with saline-soaked gauze three times a day.  Even though i was grateful for the machine, it still made a soft clattering sound that was a constant reminder that I had made this choice and it was my fault that this was happening to, not only myself, but my husband and my sons.

During those months, I became even more depressed than I previously was.  I think that I’m still suffering from what is called “situational depression”.  I don’t like going to bed because during the day and evening there are so many distractions.  When I go to bed, though, the distractions are gone and I’m left alone with my thoughts.  Sometimes I can’t fall asleep until 3 am.  Then I sleep until 11 and the cycle perpetuates itself.

I recognize depression in myself because there was a time when I loved cruising eBay.  Now, I have little to no interest.  I mean, I *could* look, but what’s the point?  I’m not totally depressed.  I still love my work and I’m excited about BoobCast.  It just seems like some of the flavor has been taken out of the world.

I’m not the type to pin happiness on a situation.  Such as, I don’t say things like “I’ll be happy when I get ________________”.  I think I’m making an exception though.  I’ll be happier when I don’t look at my chest in the mirror and feel mangled.

In the mean time…I’m batshit crazy.

 

BoobCast episode #1 Recorded

I actually made it though my first episode without breaking down. Yay!.  There are a couple points where I choked up a bit but all in all I’m relatively pleased.  I’m just not sure it’s long enough though.  It MAY be 7 minutes.  I want to keep them brief, but THAT brief??  Eh we’ll just have to wait and see.

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2008 in podcast, Uncategorized

 

National Mammography Day

YAY!  It’s Boob Squishie Day!!!!!   Friday October 17th is the big day!  National Mamography Day has come around again.  If you haven’t had your annual mammogram, get your appointment ASAP and get it done!  You only get one life kids, so suck it up.

If you haven’t had one done, it’s really not that bad.  *I* think a pap smear is worse, personally.  So is having your hair bleached with 40 volume peroxide!  So celebrate National Mammography Day by taking care of YOU.

Remember, if you don’t take care of you, no one else will.

 

My Podcast is Coming Along

Today I got the promos recorded for BoobCast.  I also have one episodes fleshed out and another in the works.  We should be live on BoobCast.net in about a month.  So things are chugging along.  I’ve also contacted a bunch of podcasters and asked them to play my promo.

Instead of the usual doom and gloom, life is pretty good at the moment.  I’m happy because I’m actually making headway on a project.

 
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Posted by on October 15, 2008 in podcast, Uncategorized

 

Questions

I posted about this blog on the ORIGINAL Implant Forum and within hours I had questions.  So I thought I’d take the time to address them here.

1) Did I have any hints that the surgeon might be negligent:  I checked with HealthGrades.com and bought the full report.  According to the side there were no disciplinary actions either in the past or pending.  The surgeon had been in good standing for over 15 years.

2) Did I pursue legal action:  I spoke to a malpractice lawyer who told me that plastic surgeons in Florida are only required to carry $100,000 in malpractice insurance.  The burden of proof also falls to the plaintiff’s lawyer.  So by the time the law office did all the research and found a way to prove malpractice, most of the 100K would be eaten up by legal fees, leaving me with nothing for the reconstruction surgeries I’ll have to have.

Instead of a law suit, I did the next best thing.  I threatened legal action unless the surgeon gave me back all my surgical fees.  It was agreed with the provision that neither my family nor myself give the name of the surgeon or the name of the center.

I just wanted to be done with the surgeon for good.  Another odd thing is that while I was under the care of that surgeon, no other plastic surgeon would see me for a consultation.  At all.

3) How can I tell if my surgeon is like that? : One of the most valuable lessons I learned is that when it comes to surgery, do NOT go cheap!  If you think it’s a good deal, there’s every chance that person is probably a hack. ANY doctor can call himself a plastic surgeon even if he hasn’t studied the specialty. Always make SURE your surgeon is board certified.

You know what they call a doctor that graduates in the bottom 10% of the medical class, right?

Doctor.

4) So what’s next?:  Because of the way my chest healed, I’ve got to have reconstructive surgery along the same vein as cancer survivors.  I’m seeing THE best cosmetic surgeon in the southeast for the official consultation on Oct. 24th.  In the initial one though Dr. Elliott said that he wanted to use a procedure called the Latissimus Dorsai Flap procedure.  Information can be found here: http://www.breastreconstruction.ca/living_latflap.htm

I’ll be posting more about my consultation when we get back from Atlanta.

If you have any questions, you can post them here.  You can also email me at boobcast@gmail.com or Follow me on Twitter under Boobcast.

 
 
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