November 13, 2008
Distractions
After my last post, Ken led me into our bedroom, handed me my shoes and bag and led me out to the car. He *knew* I needed to get out of here. Since we have annual passes to DisneyWorld, we went to Animal Kingdom and saw our two favorite stage shows “Finding Nemo: The Musical” (mine) and “Festival of the Lion King” (his). It was a great distraction until I got home again.
Yesterday he took me to see “Zack and Miri Make a Prono”. I love Kevin Smith movies and that was a really sweet film. Oh and for anyone keeping track of such things I WANT a Monroeville Zombies hockey jersey for Xmas. Tell @SantaClause25 on Twitter 
It was another great distraction. So was the shopping I did yesterday and the craft project I’m planning and work and school and the promotion I’m doing for the national equality rally on Nov. 15 http://tinyurl.com/57hns3
It’s ALL a great distraction. As I’ve said before I tend to push myself very hard. I’ll keep pushing and pushing until I hurt myself. I’ve managed to do that yet again.
I’m so ANGRY with myself because I keep thinking I should be over this. I should be able to deal with it better. I SHOULD be able to stand up and talk about this coherently without breaking down in tears while simply typing about how I’m feeling.
But I can’t. And I feel like a failure to myself and others because I can’t.
I talked to my Mom a couple days ago at length about this. She had something similar happen with her reconstruction after a double radical mastectomy and second stage breast cancer. She told me that she has never completely emotionally recovered from it.
So I wonder: Is it the same for every woman who goes through breast trauma? Even moreso, is it the same for everyone who loses part of their body?
Do any of us ever really recover? Are we ever really the same? Or do we just keep pretending for the sake of everyone around us? Buck up soldier. Put on that brave face so that no one around you knows that inside, we’re all grieving? Is that all that’s left? A brave performance?
I suspect that with the holiday season looming, many of us will be doing just that: putting on a brave face so that our loved ones will feel better. Who needs acting lessons when we have family?
November 9, 2008
My Coping Skills or Lack Thereof
BoobCast is proving to be harder than I thought. While working on the script for the second episode I had another hour-long crying stint. I’m still tearing up thinking about it.
I want so much to be strong and help other women who are going through what I’ve been through. I’m just not able to deal with it in long, drawn-out strings like this. I’ve got to go in shorter bursts when I am emotionally able.
What this means for you is more delays.
I am SO sorry. This HAS to be frustrating for all of you hearing my promos. There WILL be a podcast. I’m just doing the best I can right now. The harder I push myself, the more emotional I get though. Which makes it hard to type coherently when I’m breaking down in tears on a regular basis.
I wish I was the person my dog thinks I am.
November 7, 2008
Personal Notes
Not that talking about my breasts isn’t personal enough. I find that there is something else I need to share.
My disdain for ignorance and apathy.
Sadly, I have been apathetic. I was apathetic about Florida’s Proposition 2 in this election. I figured that someone else would do it. Someone ELSE would get out there and make people understand that this wasn’t just about “gay marriage”. Someone ELSE would put signs out, canvas neighborhoods and throw rallies. After all, how could people NOT understand that this was about equal rights?
As an openly bisexual woman I have heard that because I am married to a man, I am taking advantage of “heterosexual privilege”. But that doesn’t mean that I am not affected by what has happened. Three-fifths of an entire STATE decided that people shouldn’t have the right to marry the person that they love.
And I stood by and watched it happen.
Thousands of people have been denied the same right that I have been fortunate enough to have and NO ONE is doing anything about it here in Florida. Sure, a few letters have been written. In California they had a protest. In Florida? Nothing. Not a damned thing!
Why? Is it apathy? Has this defeat taken the wind out of everyone’s sails? Why isn’t the LGBT community in Florida up in arms?
Apathy is a killer. When apathy kills, Ignorance wins.
Next time, and there WILL be a next time, I won’t allow apathy to take someone’s rights from them.
No. Never again.
November 5, 2008
Already Done and Over With
It’s odd to me how I could have been so anxious and downright terrified of complications from the latissimus flap procedure just a few weeks ago. Now it’s as if the first procedure is already done and over with. It seems bizarre that one brief discussion could calm and soothe my mind so well. But it has.
Logically I understand that I’m up against a 2-day hospital stay, possible loss of strength in my back and general recovery from surgery. I really feel like I can cope with that now. It helps that I have such an incredible support system. In the end though, until *I* was ready mentally, all the support in the world didn’t make the situation completely okay or safe.
Now that I’ve worked on this mental block, my next step is going to be losing weight and getting in better shape physically so that recuperation is easier. That’s where the Wii Fit comes in. I am so HORRIBLY out of shape that it’s laughable.
It all comes down to taking the process one step at a time and not rushing headlong into anything else. That’s what got me into this predicament in the first place.
