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Monthly Archives: June 2009

Numb: An Update

On 6/4/09 I wrote about rubbing a spot on my back raw with a new bra strap and causing some pretty major bruising. I simply couldn’t feel what was happening because the area closest to my spine is still insensate from the incisions on either side where the muscle was removed.

A couple days ago I started getting worried because the bruised area had sloughed off skin and the scabbed over area was turning an odd shade of yellow. Yesterday I noticed that it was tinged green. That’s ALWAYS a bad color for a wound. I am, of course, very paranoid about any kind of complications. So I had Ken take a photo, emailed the shot and called Dr. Elliott’s office to talk to one of the nurses.

After asking if I was running a fever or if there was a smell, she suggested that perhaps we were simply keeping it too moist. The bandage was being changed 1-2 times a day and copious Neosporin was applied. She also told us that we should be washing the area twice a day with antibacterial soap. This was news to me as had been previously told that it should be washed whenever I showered. Since I’m so inactive I don’t shower daily as it is simply too draining. I exhaust very easily.

This morning after covering the area with only non-stick gauze and no neosporin, it was back to where it had been previously. So this is a cautionary tale about keeping wounds TOO moist.

As for the numbness itself, it’s getting better. I do think that it’s probably going to take a few more months before my back is completely normal again though. Time will tell.

Life Changing Events

16 Jun

Well isn’t THAT a big, screaming “DUH!!”. Of COURSE this whole miasma of misery and recovery changed my life. I feel like my entire life has been on hold for the last three years between my parent’s divorce, the subsequent complications from the initial surgery and recovery from the latissimus flap reconstruction surgery.

In future posts I’m going to go back and go into more vivid detail about the things I went through because of the complications. I want to talk about the V.A.C. machine and what a medical wonder that is. I want to posit my theory about silicone allergies and how an uncaring doctor can make life even more miserable.

Today I’m going to talk about another life changing event. Any of you who follow me on Facebook or Twitter know that I have been working on my Master Herbalist certification for the last three years. I have been seriously thinking about a career change after all of this.

Yes it would be a shame not to finish it. But once I’ve finished, then what am I going to do with it? Opening an herb shop requires HUGE overhead. Buying the herbal inventory and storage media, etc plus there are state regulations to follow out the ying yang. I do not have that kind of cash. I have also seen how most herbal stores flounder. You have to teach classes just to make enough money to stay afloat. That takes up your nights or weekends.

If I did herbal consultations, that would be $60 for 1-1/2 hours. Then what? Send the client to another herbalist to get their herbs? I just can’t see a way to make this work.

Here, I must admit a deep, dark secret. In my personal experience, when it comes right down to it, for more serious issues herbs alone just don’t cut it. I’m watching someone dear to me lose their life because when cancer first developed, they decided to use natural methods to combat it. And it DID work for a little while. They battled back stage four cancer. There were extreme measures involved but they accomplished it. Now this person is in hospice because it came back and became systemic. I can’t help but think that if this person had just knuckled under and done standard treatment right out of the box, what would be happening now?

I am considering apprenticing to someone locally for six months to see if a career in Interior Design is something that really appeals to me. Or if it’s just something I got hooked on because I watched so much HGTV while recovering from surgery.

Why Interior Design? Well, the cool thing is that you get to make things pretty for people and they PAY you to do it. With the right education you also learn architectural stuff. When I was a kid I wanted to be an architect but I have no head for math. So I figure I get the best of both worlds: Some architectural knowledge and getting to play with pretty fabrics, lighting fixtures, which I adore, paint and all kinds of creative building projects.

My initial research tells me that, out of the box working for a larger company, I can make 32K plus bonuses OR I can make over 40K working for myself. Compared to what I’m bringing in right now working with our essential oils company, that’s a WHOLE lot more money.

After my Mom had been through her cancer ordeal, she wanted to change her life completely. She wanted to live on a farm and have animals. So we moved to Wyoming and got a ranch with horses and goats. I’m starting to think that the whole life re-evaluation thing may be part and parcel with surviving major trauma. Yes, I know we hear stories and see movies about this kind of thing. I just didn’t think that I would be oe of those people.

I have tried very hard to stress that I have not gone through what cancer survivors go through. They go through so much more. The more I learn and observe about myself, however, the more I believe my own journey is at least very similar.

It’s More Complicated Than That

15 Jun

Something that isn’t really mentioned much is that eventually many breast implants may need to be replaced. An article released in 2005 by the New York Times reports that up to 93% of silicone implants fail within the first 10 years. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/07/politics/07breast.html .Those implants need to be removed and possibly replaced as soon as possible. This is another surgical expense that you will have to cover. Usually these costs must be paid out of pocket. In one study by the New England Journal of Medicine, the complication rate for augmentation was as high as nearly 25% http://content.nejm.org/cgi/content/abstract/336/10/677.

Other things surgeons are unlikely to tell you are that sometimes the skin thins and wrinkles and the silicone shell of the implant become visible. With saline implants, if you push on your breasts, you can hear the implant sloshing around. Ever fondle a breast with a saline implant? It feels like you’re fondling a water bottle. When it comes down to it, saline breast implants are really only good for looks. The other option is silicone implants. Although there is not a conclusive group of studies, it is widely believed that leaked silicone is responsible for, or at the very least, contributes to, autoimmune conditions such as fibromyalgia.

Sex may not be the same either. You have water bottles sloshing around in your chest that feel totally different from your natural breast tissue. Many women also report numbness or reduced feeling in their breasts and especially the nipples after augmentation. Sometimes it’s temporary. Sometimes it isn’t. This is surgery and it can cause permanent nerve damage just as with any other surgery.

Before you sign your paperwork for the surgery, someone in the doctor’s office will go over the list of possible complications. In my case the person stressed repeatedly that these complications were extremely rare. I’m sure that there are women out there who have gone through the procedure with no complications and no issues at all. I would LOVE to talk to one of these women.

The list of possible complications is as follows:

Seroma (pooling of serous fluid)
Hematoma (pooling of clotted blood; risk is 3-4%)
Symmastia
Double Bubble (also known as “double fold”, “snoopy effect”, or “snoopy breast”)
Mondor’s Cord
Bottoming Out
Deflation Photos (approximately 7%)
Capsule Contracture
Traction Rippling & Rippling Photos

Photos of these complications can be found here: http://tinyurl.com/5gz6mc

Other lesser complications include:

Asymmetry
Bleeding
Breast droop
Displacement
Implant leak
Infection (risk is less than 1%; always involves removal of implant)
Interference with mammography
Keloid (heavy scar)
Nerve Damage
Nipple numbness
Pain
Permanent numbness (risk is 15%)
Reactions to medications
Rippling
Rupture of the implant (often due to injury)
Skin irregularities
Sloshing
Slow healing
Swelling
Visible scar

The above are relatively MINOR complications, however. Seroma and hematoma can lead to necrosis because of the pressure on the small blood vessels reducing blood flow to the affected tissues.

Necrosis is the death of tissue. When necrosis occurs, the area must be debrided. This means that the dead tissue has to be clipped out and the remaining, new tissue cleaned. Debridement doesn’t hurt. That tissue is dead which mean there are no living nerve endings. To leave dead tissue is to invite infection. So even though the thought is terrifying (and believe me, it was TOTALLY terrifying when I went through it), it’s better to get it done and over with. Then the body has a clean bed of underlying tissue to grow from.

The complication percentages listed above are reported to be low. Most are under 10 percent according to the statistics I have found. This does NOT mean that surgery of any kind is completely safe. Do not believe that just because your friend had a boob job that went perfectly that you would have the same experience.

Your surgeon and his or her skill level play a big part. So does your body and how it heals. Even though I got a clean bill of health from my pre-surgical physical and blood test, I developed several complications. I had seroma and hematoma that were NOT addressed by my surgeon. I believe those contributed to the development of necrosis. I also talked to a nurse about a year after my complications. From the description of my waist to collarbone bruising, the nurse was completely convinced that something had gone wrong during the surgery that led to the development of the necrosis.

I’d like to stress again that you should be educated about your choice of surgeons. He or she MUST be board certified by a plastic surgery association. ANY doctors can call themselves a plastic surgeon but the ones who are actually educated for that specialty are board certified.

Do NOT try to find a deal. Trust me when I say that cheaper is NOT better. I learned this lesson the hard way. It cost me more than money to learn this.

If something does go wrong, you may not be able to sue. In the state of Florida a plastic surgeon is only required to carry $100000 in malpractice insurance unless they are affiliated with a hospital. By the time your lawyer proves malpractice, most of that $100K will be gone to lawyer’s fees. You will, in all likelihood have little to nothing left for any repair procedures.

Use my story as a cautionary tale. Know your body, know your family medical history, know your surgeon, and know the risks.

The Adjustment

14 Jun

Something I’ve been meaning to talk about for some time now is my process of making the adjustment from having a mangled A- cup to what I now know to be an F Cup. This has been a tremendous adjustment for me <no pun intended>. Not only have I had to make mental adjustments, but I’ve also had to make emotional AND physical adjustments. As I type this, I am tearing up because I STILL can’t believe that not only do I have natural, implant-free breasts, but I have HUGE, all-natural breasts. They’re mine. Not because I bought them but because the tissue is mine. They are a part of me.

Granted, those parts used to be elsewhere on me. The Latissimus Flap procedure, as I’ve mentioned before, takes a piece of muscle from the back, as well as fat and skin which is left attached to the blood supply on one end and pulled through under the skin to the front and molded to create a new breast. After the complications from my initial augmentation, I have been adamant about not having implants. I will explain why in a future installment.

Mentally I’ve had to slowly coax myself into the realization that I am no longer a mangled thing. Yes, there are small scars but in comparison, that is so completely inconsequential now that it really boggles my mind. The first time I looked in the mirror and realized that what I was seeing was real, it shoved me headlong down the path towards feeling whole again.

Emotionally, blogging my journey has helped imensely. Knowing that I might one day make a difference in someone’s life has been a major motivating factor. One of my long-time Twitter followers, QueerCincinatti, actually linked to my blog and told me how much of a difference I’ve made. Check out that post here and susbscribe to the blog. It’s chock full of fantastic information. http://tinyurl.com/kldzgs

I have tried for several weeks to write this particular post. It has been very difficult for me to find the right words. I’ve spent SO much time trying not to think about the wreckage that was my chest. Now that I am focusing on it, I find that I’m easily distracted. It’s like trying to drill glass. My mind skates over the surface of the topic and skitters off in a different direction before I can stop it.

Right now, for instance, I’m wondering if Ken needs help in the office or when we’re going to leave to run the couple errands I’d like to get done today. I’m also gauging how much pain I’m in and wondering if I should get up to take acetominophen or do I need a 1/2 Darvocet?

No, I don’t have ADD. I’ve just trained myself for the last two years to avoid thinking deeply and seriously about the situation surrounding my breasts or, until 6 weeks ago, the lack thereof. So please bear with me while I…oh look! A butterfly!

No. Seriously. I have to work on retraining myself now. I have to remind myself that it IS okay to look in the mirror. It IS okay to look down at my chest because I actually have something there to look at now that isn’t mutilated or damaged in some horrible way. It’s going to take time to make that adjustment, too.

I thought I had made it to some extent. I was wrong. There are still parts of this that make me cry if I think about it. That’s just normal, human feeling. Recovering from major trauma takes time. Having breasts again goes a long way, but it doesn’t magically repair the emotional damage that watching the necrosis steadily eat away my breasts or not really understanding why it happened or even the emotional damage of having my concerns blatantly ignored by the first surgeon.

When I first started this post, I thought I would be talking about how I’m still adjusting to the size of the Twins. Really they still get in the way sometimes. The other day I actually whacked one against the doorjamb as I was exiting the bathroom!

It turns out though that after eight weeks the mental adjustment has gotten easier. I do occasionaly wake up in the morning feeling angry over what happened. Because this was the result of plastic surgery gone awry, we had to pay for the reconstruction ourselves. That really pisses me off to no end that people like me have no other option because cosmetic surgery is looked on as vanity-based or superfluous.

No one’s health issue, regardless of the initial reason, should be marginalized like that.

But again, I digress.

SEE??? It’s hard to actually stay focued on the mental adjustments I’m making. I’m thinking that I am probably not alone here.

Clothes shopping last week actually helped. I bough some new, sexy tops that showcase the Twins. Those really make me smile because I haven’t felt sexy is a VERY long time. Not because my Hubby hasn’t been supportive. He HAS been, telling me I’m beautiful no matter what. It’s just hard to believe that when I felt so mangled and sub-human.

I’m starting to come back from that though. I actually got called “gorgious” this morning by someone I’d just met yesterday. Yes, I got hit on That helps, though after all I’ve been through, it’s still pretty weird.

This post is running long so I’m going to wrap up this episode. I WILL be talking more about these adjustments though. And remember, dear reader, you are NOT alone. Email me. I am happy to talk to you any time.

A Little “Soul”

14 Jun

This is something I haven’t done before here. I do think what the band “Collective Soul” is doing with new media is worthy of recognition though. Aside from Kirstie Alley, they are the only celebrity I have seen that actually TALKS to their fan base on Twitter. Collective Soul also has a fan line and will actually call fans BACK sometimes! Considering how insanely busy these guys are, I think that this *should* be the trend for Twitter celebrities. Sure some of them are following a few more people but I really think that’s more of a marketing ploy to gain more followers. And it’s that sort of thing that discourages me from following the average celeb on Twitter. Collective Soul and Kirstie are trend setters in this area and are definitely worth following BECAUSE they interact and that’s what Twitter is really about.

You can follow them yourself and support this new Trend here: http://www.twitter.com/collective_soul

If you want to see what they’re up to, their blog is here: http://www.collectivesoul.com/blog/

And if you’re a stalker and want to see where they’re going to be touring: http://www.collectivesoul.com/live/

Oh…wait… That should read “fan”

1 Comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on June 14, 2009 in Uncategorized

A Reminder

13 Jun

This evening when I logged on to Twitter (I’m Maria_Myrback there. Feel free to add me) I read a really great blog post from the Goddess Mur Lafferty. It’s all about learning to be yourself. It SOUNDS simple With societal, peer and internal pressures to conform to someone ELSE’S idea of who or what you should be, individuality is becoming harder to find.

Many people feel a need to conform just to “fit in”. I have found that fitting in just makes you another face in the crowd. It is my firm belief that it is our job as human beings to stand out. To be examples of what we can be or do in our lives. It’s one of the many reasons I keep the pink hair. It is my statement. My hallmark. My outward expression of individuality. I am not one of the crowd. I will always do my best to stand out and make an example of my life.

This is one of the reasons I write this blog. I want my life and experiences to be an example to others. I want other people to learn from what has happened to me. My dear readers can take this as a cautionary tale, they can learn from the medical advice or they can simply read to share the experiences of a fellow human being.

Thank you Mur for helping me to remember why I do what I do. Here is a link to the blog post that inspired today’s entry http://bit.ly/n5BTo

1 Comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on June 13, 2009 in be yourself, conformity, peer pressure, Uncategorized

Frustration

12 Jun

I am ready to beat my head against the nearest blunt object. I woke up this morning, rolled out of bed and realized ‘Hey! That didn’t hurt!’. So I proceeded to pack up some stuff I needed to send back, make food for myself, run to Home Despot to get an answer to a question and do a bunch of measuring for another project I’m planning.

I wanted to replace the crappy plastic handles on our bathroom faucets. Unfortunately I have to replace the entire faucet. Since everything needs to match I also had to pick up matching shower handles. BUT they only come as a set SO I bought the entire set. But I got all the matching hardware for just a little over $200. Not bad for three faucets and two bathrooms, eh?

I spent 20 min on the Net looking for the new bathroom faucets and shower trims. Now my back and chest are seizing up! AUGH!! <headdesk headdesk headdesk>. I am SO frustrated with not being able to get things done without pain!

I know. I know. It’s only been 8 weeks. I’m still healing. Blah. Blah. Blah. I am SO SICK of sitting on my ass doing what amounts to NOTHING!! AUGH! But when I DO get more active, then I get knocked back on my ass. It’s just driving me NUTS!!

When the faucets and new shower trims get here, I’m going to be doing the work myself. Unless of course we can find a plumber on barter to do it. I really don’t want to wait though. I’ve been waiting for the last three months to do this and get it done.

I WAS going to paint the kitchen cabinets to update them, too. Fortunately I read that dark woods are coming back for kitchen cabinets. So all that needs to be done there is to replace the one door that’s cracked. If we were going to be staying I’d be saving up for an Induction cooktop or stove.

In the mean time I’ll just do the best that I can. I’m resting on a heating pad, sipping a decent Zinfindel and waiting for things to improve further.

iHurt ver. 2.0

11 Jun

The last four days I have been much more active than I have been for the last eight weeks. We had two days of running errands, two days in a row at the salon getting my hair done and then fixed when all FOUR tubes of pink dye were defective, resuming “normal activity” (ahem)…three times and recording another episode of Chipped Plate Chronicles, our food review podcast. Yesterday I spent clothes shopping. By the end of the day yesterday I had to take not one but TWO Darvocet halves. I was spiking a four on the Oh-My-God-It-Really-Fuckin-Hurts Scale. Number One Son noticed that I was breathing raggedly and practically MADE me take the second 1/2.

I can’t just relax today either. I’m having lunch with Number Two Son who needs to talk to me about some things. WHAT things, I have NO idea. This means I must drive to his place, drive to wherever we’re going to eat, probably Panera in Viera, drive BACK to his place and then home. It doesn’t *sound* like much, but when you’re already tired and sore, it is.

More than anything, it’s my back that’s hurting. Since I have to drive I really don’t trust my skills while on Darvocet. This means using the acetaminophen. That wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t pretty sure that it’s contributing to my bruising problem. Which puts me back on the new non-aspirin OTC pain med that doesn’t seem to work unless I take two. Which isn’t good because the package clearly stated that I should only take one at a time. Unlike many others, I don’t subscribe to the “if one is good, two is better” mentality.

The safest choice right now seems to be the acetaminophen. I’m just going to take it as slow as I can today and tomorrow I’ll spend the day resting. I don’t seem to have much choice otherwise. Number Two Son is dirt poor and he needs his gas money to get back and forth to work. I’ll just do the best I can. In the mean time, iHurt.

Alone

09 Jun

I started this blog so that women going through what I have been through would not feel so alone. They would have someone to talk to who would understand in blazing Technicolor what it’s like to lose such an intimate part of yourself. Now I’m having those feelings and I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands.

Last night I started doing serious research on nipple reconstruction. I had no plans to do anything until late autumn but I like being prepared and knowing what I’m getting into. My findings showed that a high percentage of nipple reconstructions “fail” (read: Collapse) and a higher percentage develop complications like infection or necrosis.

My skin on my new breasts is SO delicate. It was like tissue paper a few weeks ago when the nurse took off the tapes and it just split in a couple small spots because of the pressure. Granted those were only topical. That tells me though since my skin is so delicate, I would have a higher probability of failure. I have considered nipple piercing with a small gauge bar to keep them erect, but that would proably just hasten the process of collapse.

My other alternative is a pair of custom made silicone nipple prosthetics. I’ve seen a couple websites and you really cannot tell the difference between the two nipples in a woman who has only had one side reconstructed. My problem here is the creator of the prosthetic has nothing to base the new prostheses on. There is also no one in the state of Florida that I have found so far that does custom nipple prostheses. That makes fitting much more difficult.

I don’t have any idea who to ask or where to go to find out if there IS someone more local to me. It is probably my perception, but Ken seems to be avoiding talking about it with me. He does that when he has no idea how to help. And so, I’m feeling very much alone.

Couple that with the realization that no matter what I do, I will never be the same and you’ve got a big nasty cauldron of bubbling emotions ready to spew forth and broil the crap out of some poor innocent bystander. I’ve already stuffed the dog out in the back yard because he was barking too much. Who’s next?

I’m having a bad day. Three days in a row of excessive activity has put me to the point that I had to take a 1/2 a Darvocet on top of it all. This is the first time in two weeks that I had to drag out the BIG pain meds. I know I overdid it but it still feels like a setback. But then, I’m already in bad shape as it is.

For the first time writing this blog, I feel vulnerable. As if I’ve said too much. There will probably be a Podcaster party at DragonCon again this year and I had planned to possibly show off the new Girls. For the first time in a LONG time I’m afraid of what people will think if they read this and then see me at D*C.

We Return You Now…

08 Jun

…to our regularly scheduled program already in progress. Remember that phrase from after news interruptions and the like? It seems pretty appropriate considering I’m about to approach a rather adult subject in pretty explicit terms: The resumption of sex.

What I’m going to share is probably obvious for anyone who has had surgery. Of course you wait until your doctor says you can “resume normal activity”. That’s usually Doc-Code for yes you can have sex again. The question is usually HOW? If you’ve been opened like a tin can, of course anything even vaguely athletic is out of the question. BUT your standard missionary position is pretty much out of the question since that rubs incisions on the front AND the back.

There are a couple of practical answers to the dilemma based on where the incisions are. If you’re like me and you’ve got sites on both the front AND back, the best solution I’ve found so far is an adjusted woman-on-top position. Normally you would sit straight up. DO NOT do that! You’ll put way too much pressure on your suture lines.

Anybody under 18 should NOT read any further. Go here instead if you are underaged: http://www.lfgcomic.com You’ll like Richard.

Anyway…moving on. The best way to handle hetero woman on top is to have your partner lie flat with his arms over his head. Place your knee half way up beside his ribs and slide the other leg over. Let him deal with the approach. You support yourself by planting your hands just beneath his armpits and lean forward so that your chest is lightly resting against his. This way his body is supporting you and you’re helping a little. Obviously he should be gentle. Also obviously if there is ANY pain, you should stop immediately.

If your incision in across your belly or abdomen, there’s an answer for you, too. Although your partner needs to have restraint with this one. Pile about 3-5 pillows on the edge of the bed. There needs to be enough to be comfortable and support your hips so that your back is at a 45 degree angle. Bend over the pillows with your knees on the bed and your tush in the air. Your partner should stand on the floor behind you. It’s sort of an adapted doggie style. BUT it needs to be stressed that your partner MUST be gentle though he may feel the desire to be more exhuberant.

Another solution for those women with incisions on the front OR back is Spooning. Lay on your side and let your partner do all the work. Just stay within your comfort level.

If there is anything I haven’t thought of, please contact me. I would love to add the ideas to this entry. Due credit will be given.

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Monthly Archives: June 2009

Numb: An Update

Life Changing Events

It’s More Complicated Than That

The Adjustment

A Little “Soul”

A Reminder

Frustration

iHurt ver. 2.0

Alone

We Return You Now…

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