Yesterday I sat down and wrote an outline for the book, including appendices for malpractice lawyers and board certified reconstructive surgeons by state. I have the forward done-an edited version of my essay here “Being Pretty”. Then I settled in to write chapter one, My Story, and promptly froze up like the metaphorical deer.
You, Dear Reader, keep telling me that I am strong and brave but I’m STILL not. I know I’m ready to write the book, but I’m afraid of dredging up old emotions. The up side is that I know they’re old emotions and all I have to do is go look in the mirror to remind myself that I’m just fine now. I’m more fortunate in that regard than some of you out there.
Some wounds run deep. This is one of them. So I’m writing this entry because talking to you, dear reader, has been a source of sanity all through this trial. Talking about the hurt helps. Personally, I’d rather bludgeon it into submission but that still hasn’t happened.
I’m not brave (in my opinion). I just got through it day by day, minute by minute. Sometimes second by second. Most of the time, with help. I’m only courageous in the “Princess Diaries” quote way (Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.). I won’t be out there on the front lines leading a battle charge. My weapon of choice is the keyboard.
I’m still afraid. I’m still emotional. My heart aches EVERY TIME I get an email from someone else going through this. But I’m pushing forward. And much like with how I dealt with losing my nipples and areolae, there will be backwards progress and days like yesterday when I just lock up and can’t do any more.
I hope to have my first rough draft done by March. That’s when there is an intensive writer’s weekend in Atlanta that I want to attend. In the mean time, I still need your stories. I already have one person who has agreed to an interview. Again, if you are willing, please email me at boobcast@gmail.com. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of your name or situation being published, we can change your name for the book.
I’ve always told you that you’re not alone. It’s good to know that I’m not, either.
Sam
January 13, 2012 at 10:12 am
You, my dear, are strong. Brave and strong, and I hope one day you will know this too. -Just a random young girl who spent 3 hours reading your entire blog a few days ago.
Maria_Myrback
January 13, 2012 at 11:26 am
Thank you for this Sam. Sometimes we don’t see things in ourselves that others see in us. While I’m starting to understand why on an intellectual level, I just haven’t “gotten” it on an emotional one yet. Maybe one day I *will* see the bravery that you and others see.
Mechelle
January 13, 2012 at 10:07 pm
I think it is wonderful that you plan to write a book. I can relate to getting thru this day by day, minute by minute; some days are so long. But I have made it this far. I can also imagine how it upsets you looking back and having those emotions and memories come back. Going thru this has of course made me stronger, but it has taken me to places I hope I never go again. If it had not been for the realization that others have gone thru this and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I sometimes wonder if the depression caused by the trauma might have got the best of me. I remember crying out to my husband and my mother, “I can’t take this anymore…I can’t handle this…” I know that was my breaking point. That is when my husband realized that not just the physical effects of this was gusome but the mental anguish was killing me. He called the nurse and they perscribed medication in to calm me down.
I can’t tell you how much your story has helped me. You actually saved my life. I would be very happy to do an interview for your book. Just make sure my interview is titled “one day at a time”.