February 15, 2010
Why I Hid My Surgical Complications
When I wrote this post: breast-necrosis-photos I mentioned that, as the necrosis was developing, I kept the extent of the damage from my husband and my family as long as I could. There are a few reasons. They may not make much sense but if you’re going through this, I think perhaps you can relate.
1) “I don’t want to be a burden”. No one wants to cause problems for their family. As women we generally put everyone else’s needs before our own. When we’re sick or hurt we usually keep it to ourselves until it’s really bad. Even then, most of us hesitate to ask for what we need for fear of being a burden.
2) “It’s my fault. I’ll handle it myself.”. My big guilt trip for the longest time was that somehow, this was all my fault. Because of that, I was going to deal with it myself. I’m a big advocate for personal responsibility. Since I felt responsible for what happened, I was bound and determined to handle it all on my own.
3) Fear. When I was in my late teens my mother went through something similar to what I have gone through. My father had an extremely hard time dealing with it and it drove them apart. I was stark raving terrified that if my husband saw what was happening to my breasts, he would leave me.
4) Sheltering. My husband led a pretty sheltered life before all of this. I wanted to protect him and shelter him from the trauma so that only one of us really had to deal with it. I put up an extremely good facade too. 99.9% of the time he had NO idea that I was in a mental and emotional Hell.
For those reasons, I kept the necrosis hidden. He was not allowed in the bathroom during my bandage changes. He was also not permitted to see me when I showered. I gave him updates after my check ups with the plastic surgeon, Special K (see this post for an explanation on the name: talking-is-harder-than-writing), but he was never permitted to see. Not until much later when I had absolutely no choice in the matter.
Some people call this bravery. Since it was fear based, i still think of it as self preservation.
February 13, 2010
Breast Necrosis Photos
Below you will find photos of what breast necrosis looks like. These are EXTREMELY graphic photos. This post is for MATURE VIEWERS ONLY!!
I am putting these photos up, not for shock value or to evoke pity. I am posting these images of breast necrosis so that when another woman has this happen to her, she will be able to look at the photos and evaluate for herself if she just has really bad bruising or if her tissue is necrotic.
I have said SO many times before that when I was going though this I did not have ANY pictorial references. I didn’t know what to look for. Now YOU, dear reader, do. If you are unfortunate enough to be reading this, searching for answers, please contact me at boobcast (at) gmail.com if you have ANY questions at all.
During the period you see below, I felt so very alone because I couldn’t find anything to compare myself to. I was also sheltering my husband and my family from what was going on. So I WAS alone. YOU don’t have to be.
The first photo (below) is approximately a week after surgery. Most of what you see is bruising. However the black spots are necrotic tissue.
The next photo you will see is closer shot. In this second photo you can see the difference between the bruising and the necrotic tissue. Here you can see the difference in the texture of the skin where it has really started to die.
This next photo is blurry and I’ll ask your forgiveness for that. You can see where a hole has opened up in the dead tissue.
There is a process called debriding where dead tissue is cut away. It doesn’t hurt because the tissue has died and has no nerves. It’s just rather horrifying knowing that part of your body has died and is being cut away. They don’t put you to sleep or anything. They just cut it off with surgical scissors. The completely black area used to be my nipple. That is was totally necrotic tissue looks like.
The yellow tissue is, as you may have already suspected, breast fat.
A photo of my other necrotic nipple and areolae:
Finally, a VERY graphic closeup of one of my breasts after the debriding:
February 12, 2010
Talking Is Harder Than Writing
I’ve been writing BoobCast for so long, one would think that losing my breasts to necrosis would have gotten somewhat easier to talk about. I would have liked to believe that writing about it makes it easier to deal with at all.
It hasn’t.
Yesterday I hung out with someone I haven’t seen in about a year and a half. After we talked about the initial reason she contacted me again, she asked me what had been going on with me since last we saw each other. So I told her. Not in vivid detail mind you but enough so that I was kind of choking up.
What surprised me even more is how much anger I still have towards the man I feel is responsible for all of this. I’m still legally constrained from mentioning his name or the name of his practice…in a strip mall on Dr. Phillips Drive in Orlando. That doesn’t keep me from hoping that some day someone will break his hands with a sledgehammer so he can’t put some other poor woman through this.
Almost 2 and a half years and I’m still angry beyond belief. I think what made me the most angry has always been his manner. There was The Valium Incident, generally replying “I don’t know” when asked what was going on and insulting my practice as an herbalist by calling it voodoo even though, as part of prep for the surgery I was given herbal supplements to take. Add to that, telling me to stop screaming as he sewed cadaver skin onto my rotting breasts to try to act as some kind of bandage. The screaming happened because he was sewing it on to a spot that hadn’t been numbed. Of course I left out those details. I can write about them but, as I type, I’m choking back tears.
From this point on I will no longer refer to him as the HiQ (Hack in Question). He is now Special K. Take from that what you will.
When does this get easier??
It HAS to one of these days or I’m never going to be able to talk about this on stage. I still have hopes of turning BoobCast into a Vagina Monologues style stage show.
Do any of you know how to get speaking gigs?
For new readers, please read my earliest post in the Archives.
February 8, 2010
Comming Up On BoobCast
I’m excited about tomorrow’s BoobCast post! I have figured out a way to stretch the scar tissue on my back. It’s a bit complicated so it will involve photos of each step in the process. This is the most ambitious thing I’ve done with BoobCast since I decided that I would blog about my reconstruction process.
In a future episode I will also be talking more in-depth about the V.A.C. machine, how it works and why it saves lives.
I am also considering going back into the archives and posting photos of the breast necrosis so that women who are trying to figure out if it’s bruising or necrosis have an actual visual reference. I wish I would have had that when I was going through all of this.
Either that, Or I’ll do a dated photo diary titled “Breast Necrosis Photos” so that they are all on one page. I think that might be better to have all the shots in one place. That way people who don’t want to see it won’t have to look at it.
Which would be better, dear Reader?
February 3, 2010
Rub Me The Right Way
Today we’re discussing ways to break up scar tissue adhesions.
Since the first day after surgery my back has felt tight, as though I were squeezed into a proper corset. For those not familiar with corseting, it is an undergarment from the Elizabethan era worn on the torso that uses boning to give a more shapely figure. The boning then was whale bone because of it’s strength. Today the whale bone has been replaced by plastic. But for some diehards, there is steel boning.
At one point in my life I was the half owner of a web based Renaissance fashion company. I traveled all over the south east dressed in Elizabethan finery to promote the company. So I know what it’s like to be corseted.
The last time I spoke to someone about this, it was a massage therapist client in southern Georgia. He suggested that the reason I still feel like that is because the scar tissues has adhered, or grown on to, the fascia layer of skin. Thus the term “adhesions”.
According to Patti Bergley, the nurse at Dr. Elliot’s office, I do NOT have adhesions. Adhesions refer mostly to bowel tissue adhering to the abdominal wall. I just have scar tissue. The scar tissue is tight and will, according to Patti, soften over time. What will HELP with that is exercise and stretching.
I told her that when I stretch it feels like things are tearing in my back. She said that was a good thing. Stretching and exercise will actually do more to increase flexibility than cross fiber friction massage. From a medical standpoint, all massage will do is soften the scar tissue.
I have an exercise ball. You know…those big rubber balls with the 2 foot circumference that you lean back on. So I’m going to start using that and see if it does any good.
As usual, I will report back.
February 2, 2010
Topless
I’ve done the research and I think I’ll be trying this idea out at a local level. Maybe at Daytona Beach first. According to local ordinance in New Orleans, lewd behavior constitutes exposing their genitals, have sex, masturbating, urinating or defecating in public.
The reason I state the local New Orleans law is that I have been considering going topless ever since I got the new Twins. I’m currently investigating what, specifically, constitutes genitalia. Of course there is the obvious penis and vagina. When it comes to women, is it JUST the nipple? Is it the nipple and areolae? How MUCH of the breast can be exposed without falling into the “lewd’ category?
Since I don’t have nipples or areolae, CAN I get away with going topless in public? The woman in this photo was at a “Naked Bike Ride” and did not get arrested.
None of the (nearly) naked people during World Naked Bike Day were arrested. Of course you can tell by looking closely that nothing is showing. So the question becomes this: if I don’t have anything that needs to be covered, do I still have to cover the place where they would be?
I’ve contacted the Daytona Beach police department since this is going to be my test area. I’ll put up an update when I get an answer. And of course, I’ll be announcing my topless adventure when I do it.
UPDATE:When I talked to my DH about going topless last night, he asked an important question. That question being “Why?”. It occurred to me that many readers are probably asking the same question.
It has always been my intention in writing BoobCast to be a support system for other women who have gone through botched plastic surgery. One of the biggest issues I had was not feeling as though I were “normal”. Since I still don’t have nipples and areolae, I’m still not “normal”.
By going topless I want to be a visual example to others that it’s okay to be “in process”. Most importantly, it’s okay to go out in public WHILE you’re in process.
I felt SO self conscious before my breast reconstruction that I didn’t really enjoy being in public much. I was convinced that everyone could see how deformed I was no matter how baggy my clothes were.
It’s also an opportunity to talk about BoobCast and what can happen when plastic surgery goes wrong.
January 31, 2010
Clothes Shopping-A BoobCast Flashback
Originally written on Oct. 26, 2009
This is another one of those issues that comes with being mostly boob-less. Clothes shopping is frustrating. I feel more comfortable in the Men’s section than the Women’s. The women’s section, even if there is no one else there, is a constant reminder of what I don’t have.
It’s also more difficult to find clothes that fit. Anything that fits tightly across the chest shows the outline of my deformity. And lets face it, most women’s clothing is geared to fit close to the body and accentuate our breasts. Even the camisoles with foam cups give a minor indication that something isn’t quite right because of how the cups move since they’re not filled with breast tissue.
The men’s section offers a better selection of loose-fitting clothes. So I shop at Goodwill because I know that when this is over I can take the clothes back and donate them again. Someone else will be able to get use out of them when it’s all done.
Aside from this mangled thing that once was my chest, I think that shopping in the men’s section is one more reason I just don’t feel feminine. (see other Girly Girl posts).
Now in the movie “Dogma” the character called the Muse talked about how what defines a woman falls between two things…her legs. From a biological standpoint that IS true. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina, after all. From a societal standpoint, however, women are judged by their breasts. If I don’t have breasts, am I still really a woman?
Breast cancer patients go through the same thing WHILE fighting a disease that could kill them. That’s why I can’t begin to compare myself to a breast cancer survivor. Not in the physical sense anyway. Mentally we go through much of the same thing. We question if we’re still actually women. We feel diminished; as though we’re somehow not fully human and wonder how our partners will EVER find us attractive again.
Yes, that complicated ball of emotions comes with clothes shopping. In the men’s section.
January 23, 2010
Cross Fiber Friction Massage
Yesterday I had a long and very enlightening discussion with an experienced massage therapist. We talked about the plastic wrap sensation I have in my back still. He explained to me that after surgery sometimes adhesions form in the connective of fascia tissue.
An adhesion is a band of scar tissue that binds two parts of your tissue together. They should remain separate. Adhesions may appear as thin sheets of tissue similar to plastic wrap or as thick fibrous bands. The tissue develops when the body’s repair mechanisms respond to any tissue disturbance, such as surgery, infection, trauma, or radiation.
The massage therapist explained that he had dealt with adhesions before and they appear as described above: cable-like or thin sheets like mine. He talked about a deep tissue massage technique that is used with great success. it is called cross fiber friction massage.
In this technique the fascia, a strong connective tissue which performs a number of functions, including enveloping and isolating the muscles of the body, providing structural support and protection is manipulated in order to break up the adhesions.
Cross-fiber friction involves doing transverse movements to the connective tissues, like tendons and ligaments, in order to loosen up their fibers.This can be performed by opposing thumbs or the heal of the hand, especially on the iliotibial band, a band of muscle in the thigh.
So basically a trained massage therapist uses deep tissue massage going across the grain of the adhesions in order to break them up. This takes quite a few sessions. According to an article in Massage and Bodyworks Magazine, the therapist should keep your pain level at around a 6 on the 1-10 pain scale for 20-30 minutes per session.
The therapist I spoke to explained that yes, it IS uncomfortable and there is a great deal of deep breathing involved in a session. But once the adhesions are broken down it is easier for your body to heal. You will have better range of motion and, best of all, no more plastic wrap feeling!
Because the therapist I spoke to is so far away, I’m going to look into finding someone close by who has the experience to handle this. But before I go, I’m going to call Dr. Elliott’s office and talk to his nurse, Patti. I want a medical opinion on this before I go and do something that may cause me more harm than good.
As usual, I’ll let you all know how it goes.
January 20, 2010
Our First Story
Our first story is one that was told to me a few months ago. A woman I spoke with told me about her 67 year old mother. We’ll call her Barbara for the sake of this narrative.
Barbara is a cancer survivor. She had a mastectomy on one side and reconstructive surgery later. He daughter didn’t share with me the length of time between the mastectomy and the reconstruction. It is generally suggested that a woman either get reconstruction done immediately after a mastectomy (breast removal) or wait two years for the chemotherapy to be completely out of the system.
The chemicals used in chemo affect the circulation and can interfere with healing after surgery. As a side note, chemo can also leave behind little blue spots in the skin.
Barbara opted to wait and still developed necrosis. Her daughter didn’t share with me how severe it was. She only told me that her mother was SO sick of surgeries that she decided not to have the damage repaired. Barbara said that at her age she just didn’t want to deal with any more of it.
That is a pretty standard attitude with people who have been through a great deal of medical treatment. It’s exhausting. It eats away pieces of your life and by the time you’re done, you just don’t want to deal with any more.
I’m still looking for plastic and reconstruction surgery stories to share so please email them to boobcast@gmail.com. All names are kept confidential unless otherwise requested.
