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Category Archives: deformity

A Ring and A Date

I once listened to an episode of Dr. Laura in which she told a young woman that her engagement wasn’t real until she had a ring and a date.  Friday morning I booked my “engagement”.

Of course this was after a long, heartfelt discussion with Dr. Elliott.  As you all know I’ve been freaking out.  As Ken and I were waiting for the doctor to come in, I broke down and he walked in while Ken was comforting me.  So the interview starts with me talking about how terrified I was about complications after this surgery.

He proceeded to tell me that what I was feeling was perfectly natural and that it was completely understandable that I would feel this way.  HOWEVER he chose the specific Latissimus Dorsai Flap (http://www.emedicine.com/plastic/topic137.htm)  reconstruction because there was a lower risk than the Tram Flap or Tummy Tuck style procedure.

He also explained that with someone my age, that a standard anchor style breast lift was a bad idea because it thinned tissue that was already stretched by breastfeeding and age.  Then add to that the pressure of putting an implant in to make an area larger that the lift made smaller, plus the lack of drains in the incisions and it wasn’t surprising that I developed necrosis.

If you follow the link you’ll see that what happens is that sections of muscle, fat and skin are removed from the back and then rotated around to the front and molded into a breast mound.  I have always wanted what I refer to as ski slope breasts.  They’re the ones that are rounded on the underside and the top slopes down to the nipple.  Dr. Elliott said what I requested as far as breast shape is actually the ideal shape for me.  Because of the way the V.A.C. machine healed my chest, I have no bottom roundness so that is going to need to be completely constructed.

Of course I’ll have scars but honestly I’ll just be happy to have breasts again.

Then, once that part has healed, I’ll have one more surgery to reconstruct the nipples.  After that, all that’s left is the medical tattooing.

After the consultation I spoke with his scheduler and I’ve set a date.  The surgery will be May 29 2009.

Why so much time between now and the surgery?  I really don’t want to be laid up over the holidays.  This is our busy season for our business.  Plus I have schoolwork that needs to be completed.  My birthday is the end of January, our youngest son’s birthday is in February, our anniversary is in April and Balticon is the end of May.  Then I have about 11 weeks to recover before DragonCon.  It’s a helluva schedule which doesn’t even include family issues that we’re dealing with OR the move back to Atlanta that we’re planning once we get the house sold down here.

All that aside, my “engagement” is real.  I have a Ring and a Date :-)

 

Terrified

Thursday morning at 11 am I have second appointment with Dr. Elliott.  We’ll talk more about the Bilateral Tram Flap reconstruction process, take pictures and do whatever needs to be done for preliminaries.

I’m nauseous.

On the up side I used to be nauseous and shaking.  That last part seems to have abated, so that’s a good thing.

I’m just so terrified that something else is going to go wrong. I’m scared beyond belief of having another severe complication like I had with the first  (or second) surgery, only worse.

So why am I even doing this?  I’m on the verge of tears, I’m so afraid.  I don’t know if I can do this.  Logically I realize that this is an unreasonable fear.  Dr. Elliott is far more experienced than the motherfucker who screwed me up before.  He has only had ONE instance in 22 years of a failure of the flap.  He learned how do the procedure by studying under the doctor who INVENTED the damned thing.

And yet…I’m going to throw up.

I’ve said before that I’m torn.  I can’t live like this.  I’m mangled.  My chest is a ruin.  Yet I’m terrified of something going wrong.   This decision is ripping me apart.  I think deer in headlights have more idiomotor control than I do right now.

I’m hard headed (thick skulled?) though.  I’ll find a way through the fear.  I have to.

I’m going to write another installment after my appointment.  So stay tuned boys and girls.  Same boob time.  Same boob chanel.

 

Second Guessing

I have moments, and I suppose everyone does, when I wonder if I’m making the right decisions.  When I have these moments I start looking at other options as though the grass is greener somewhere over there.

Tonight I read a post from someone that I asked advice from.  It was suggested that I talk to other surgeons besides Dr. Elliott about the best possible way to reconstruct my breasts.  It was a very prudent suggestion and I appreciated it.  So I looked at the links.

Now I realize that I have not posted photos and I will not until the BoobCast.net website is up and running.  So I can understand how she wouldn’t know of the extent of my current deformity.  So I shall explain.

Imagine, on my left side, a normal breast.  Now imagine it bluntly cut in half vertically with thick, ropey scar tissue where the nipple, areola and some tissue used to be.  On my right side, same thing except there is a slanted divot the width of a ball point pen.

I need a surgeon proficient in more than just implants and lifts.  I need a surgeon fully capable of completely reconstructing a breast from the ruins of my chest.  It will be like trying to build the Brooklyn Bridge with match sticks and crazy glue.

I found an amazing surgeon in Atlanta even though I live in Florida.  I really could care less about the travel.  Dr. Elliott is world renowned in his own right and studied under the surgeon who invented the most significant surgical procedure for breast reconstruction, the TRAM flap.  He also created techniques that advanced the procedure.

So I have to ask myself why I’m looking elsewhere for a surgeon.  Why am I second guessing??

I think it’s because, as I mentioned in “Scared and guilty”, I blame myself for what happened.  *I* chose the surgeon, so *I* let this happen.  So some part of me has GOT to be asking “What if I screw up again?”  What will happen THIS time if I make another bad decision?  Will I end up dead this time?

I’m torn because I’m afraid of making another drastic mistake but I also know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.  The rest of my life would, quite possibly, be shorter if I had to stay this mishapen freak i see myself as now.

What I really need is for someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay and that when all this is over with i will FINALLY have the beautiful breasts I’ve always wanted.

Please?

Someone?

Anyone?

 
 
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