RSS

Category Archives: Healing

Four Years And Still In Mourning

Today I gave a pep talk to a woman I admire in hopes that some of my own life experience might help her. She is having problems with both men and women who feel that it is okay to say cruel and hateful things to her simply because they disagree with her. The tone of her initial post felt like she was about ready to throw in the towel on doing the work she enjoys because of these hateful people. So I posted the following to her:

I want to tell you a story and I hope this helps you get your feet under you a bit better. Several years ago, back before I was a skeptic and before I had a decent sense of self worth, I had a boob job. I hated the way they looked after breastfeeding two kids and I thought that, as I approached the age of 40, it would make me feel better about myself.

I ended up developing necrosis due to unconfirmed surgical complications and I lost both of my nipples and areolae. I don’t know if there’s a worse experience than watching your own intimate body parts rot away but if there is, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

There’s much more to the story which you can read on http://boobcast.com if you are interested.

About a year after my chest healed, (I was severely deformed and required two reconstruction surgeries which i have long since had, to rousing success) I was finally in a mental state to start writing about what happened to me. I was bound and determined to write about it because if I DIDN’T write about it publicly, then, in my mind, the hack that did this to me would win.

That wouldn’t do.

There were SO many times when I had to stop in the middle of writing a post and go have a good, long cry. But I did it. I did it because I REFUSED to let my situation dictate my life. I refused to let what others told me change what I truly thought was the right thing to do.

Boobcast has made a real difference in women’s lives. I get regular emails telling me as much. I talk to women regularly who are scared and in need of reassurance and advice. I’m so very grateful I can do that.

When I was a little girl my father told me to “Stand and fight if you believe you’re right”. I learned determination from my mother who, after a motorcycle accident that left her in ICU for six months, taught herself to walk again when doctors said she never would.

Believe me when I tell you that I know it’s hard. I know it’s disheartening and some days you just want to give up and let the world go to Hell in its own little monogrammed handbasket. And some day you may decide you’ve had enough and that’s okay.

But please don’t let THEM make that decision for you.

I really hope that helps her. She’s doing good work in the skeptical and critical-thinking community and I would hate to see her give up because of all the hate mail and awful things people say about her in the blogosphere.

Unfortunately, this good deed of mine seems to have had some emotional backlash. I realized that even though Boobcast is doing good work, I am still in mourning for my loss. It has been four years as of yesterday since that first surgery and it still hurts emotionally. Not to the degree it used to, but it’s still a visceral pain. I feel nauseous remembering what I went through. I have tears in my eyes remembering what it was like and I wonder if I will ever completely heal emotionally from this.

I have had people suggest that I just walk away from Boobcast for a while. I can’t do that. Women email me regularly asking questions and seeking advice. I know what it’s like to be that terrified so abandoning the thing I have created here is not an option.

The upside is that where there were once great, wracking sobs, there are now just tears and a dull ache. Four years seems like forever and a single heartbeat at the same time. I guess I’m healing. They keep telling me that healing takes time. It’s just taking so long. I know that it will never be truly over because I will always bear the scars of reconstruction as a reminder. I will also always be here for others going through this nightmare.

I can’t abandon my post as long as I’m needed.

It has also been suggested that I start talking to women’s groups about what I have experienced. With the settlement I have, I’m not sure I can do that, but I’m looking in to it. The recent cease and desist letter I got about my comments on the Complaints Board scares the Hell out of me. We’re having a lawyer look at that to make sure that it only pertains to the settlement and not the case itself. If that is the case and it only pertains to the settlement, I will probably start doing that.

In the mean time, life continues on. I still need to have one last round of tattooing done and hopefully that will be it for the medical stuff. I’m thinking that perhaps I’ll do it in November or December, depending on the tattooists schedule. I’ll post when I have something concrete.

My Legal Settlement

17 Sep

Earlier today I received the following email from a regular reader here at the blog. For personal reasons, the reader has asked that they be kept anonymous.

Maria,

In your blog, you said you signed papers with your doctor not to name them. Did you have a settlement? Did you have the option not to settle, instead spread their name all over? Or did an attorney advice you about libel or defamation?

If you can comment without naming the doctor, much appreciated.

I have written before about how I tried to deal with the legal ramifications of what happened to me. I also wrote about the settlement that currently binds me from mentioning the name of the surgeon. HOWEVER, before I agreed to the settlement that prohibits me and my “agents” from mentioning the surgeon’s name, I wrote a few posts. Those are listed below in my response to the reader’s questions.

Dear Reader;

I am, unfortunately, also bound from talking about the terms of the settlement as well. I DID have the option not to settle. At that point I was deeply clinically depressed and traumatized. I didn’t want that person to have anything to do with my medical care any more. I would start shaking every time I had an appointment. I just wanted it to be over with so I went with the first available way out.

People keep telling me that I’m brave. This is one of those instances where I was not. I DID put up a synopsis of what happened on the Complaints Board [Editor's Note: This post has been edited on advice from my lawyer.Please visit the link for details]

I never spoke to a lawyer about defamation, but I was a journalist so I know that once I signed those papers, I am legally bound, along with my “agents”, not to reveal his name. HOWEVER, those two links were written up before the contract went into effect.

Here is where things get interesting. I just happened to notice that a person I am presuming is the doctor in question or one of the 2-3 staff members familiar with the case (aka one of his “agents”), made a brief response to my initial post on the Complaints Board. I am presuming this because of the use of the phrase “ridiculous herbal remedy’ in the response. That is FAR too personal to have been written by someone just reading entries on the complaints board.

And so, dear reader, I am going to war. For some reason I am having technical difficulties logging on and making a response to that accusation. Once I do, you all may want to stop by for a look because I can guarantee that things are going to get very, VERY interesting.

This surgeon does not know with whom he is messing. He’s about to find out.

Nerve Damage With Breast Augmentation

10 Apr

With any type of surgery you can expect to lose some sensation. Sometimes it’s just temporary. Sometimes the nerves are just so damaged that there’s no way you’ll regain all the feeling you had before. Breast surgery is one of those situations where you will never be the same.

Even if you have a transumbilical breast augmentation (TUBA) there will be some nerve damage. Nerves get torn, cut or separated causing a loss of sensation. There can be wide swaths of numb areas. It depends on what type of surgery you have as to how much nerve damage and loss of sensitivity there is.

There are three major types of incisions used in a breast augmentation:

Periareolar – This incision is the most concealed, but is associated with a higher likelihood of inability to successfully breast feed, as compared to the other incision sites. The incision is placed at the bottom half of the areolae. Consider that there will most likely be severe reduction in nipple sensation with this type of implant insertion.

Inframammary – This incision is less concealed than the periareolar and associated with less difficulty than the periareolar incision site when breast-feeding. This incision is placed in the underside crease of the breast. The reduction in nipple sensation probably won’t be as severe with this type of implant insertion. Consider that a big bag of water is being shoved up under the muscle or skin. There WILL be some reduction in breast sensation.

Axillary – This incision is less concealed than the periareolar and associated with less difficulty than the periareolar incision site when breast feeding. This incision is placed in the armpit. The loss of nipple sensation won’t be as severe as with the periareolear, but again, you’re having a big water bag shoved under the skin or muscle. There will be loss of sensation.

No matter what type of insertion you have for breast augmentation, there WILL be some nerve damage. Whether it is temporary or permanent is an individual experience.

4 Comments

Posted by Maria_Myrback on April 10, 2010 in boob job, breast, breast health, breast implants, breast lift, complications, conformity, cosmetic surgery, education, Healing, implants, Incisions, mastopexy, nerve damage, plastic surgeon, plastic surgery, post-surgical, Recovery, recuperation, scar tissue, Scars, Surgery, Surgical complications, Uncategorized

Cross Fiber Friction Massage

23 Jan

Yesterday I had a long and very enlightening discussion with an experienced massage therapist. We talked about the plastic wrap sensation I have in my back still. He explained to me that after surgery sometimes adhesions form in the connective of fascia tissue.

An adhesion is a band of scar tissue that binds two parts of your tissue together. They should remain separate. Adhesions may appear as thin sheets of tissue similar to plastic wrap or as thick fibrous bands. The tissue develops when the body’s repair mechanisms respond to any tissue disturbance, such as surgery, infection, trauma, or radiation.

The massage therapist explained that he had dealt with adhesions before and they appear as described above: cable-like or thin sheets like mine. He talked about a deep tissue massage technique that is used with great success. it is called cross fiber friction massage.

In this technique the fascia, a strong connective tissue which performs a number of functions, including enveloping and isolating the muscles of the body, providing structural support and protection is manipulated in order to break up the adhesions.

Cross-fiber friction involves doing transverse movements to the connective tissues, like tendons and ligaments, in order to loosen up their fibers.This can be performed by opposing thumbs or the heal of the hand, especially on the iliotibial band, a band of muscle in the thigh.

So basically a trained massage therapist uses deep tissue massage going across the grain of the adhesions in order to break them up. This takes quite a few sessions. According to an article in Massage and Bodyworks Magazine, the therapist should keep your pain level at around a 6 on the 1-10 pain scale for 20-30 minutes per session.

The therapist I spoke to explained that yes, it IS uncomfortable and there is a great deal of deep breathing involved in a session. But once the adhesions are broken down it is easier for your body to heal. You will have better range of motion and, best of all, no more plastic wrap feeling!

Because the therapist I spoke to is so far away, I’m going to look into finding someone close by who has the experience to handle this. But before I go, I’m going to call Dr. Elliott’s office and talk to his nurse, Patti. I want a medical opinion on this before I go and do something that may cause me more harm than good.

As usual, I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Bounce

21 Jan

I know that many of you are still up to your hip pockets in snow or freezing your assets off. Here in central Florida, it’s 81 degrees. Trust me. This IS relevant and it’s not (just) gloating.

Since it’s so warm I put on my favorite cami with a shelf bra. As I turned towards the mirror, I noticed that, thanks to the Twins, I have a distinct bounce in my step. So I raised myself up on my toes and experimented with a few tentative bounces.

I was mesmerized. For a good five minutes I watched the Twins spring up and down in a steady rhythm. And then I started to laugh. And cry. At the same time.

I am so grateful and SO relieved that there were minimal complications. Now even months later I am still occasionally overwhelmed by the simple fact that I have breasts instead of the magled wreckage I dealt with for so long.

If anyone wants to see a video of the bounce, let me know. I’d love to put one up.

Leave a comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on January 21, 2010 in boob job, breast, breast reconstruction, cosmetic surgery, deformity, emotional healing, emotional scars, Healing, plastic surgeon, plastic surgery, Plastic Surgery Disaster, Reconstruction, Recovery, Surgery, Surgical complications, Uncategorized

The 200th Post

18 Jan

As the title says, this is the 200th installment of BoobCast. Today I am writing about you, dear reader. Today’s installment is all about the support and the stories that people have shared with me since I first started this blog on Oct. 11, 2008.

When I first started writing this, I was also fairly active on a website called All About Plastic Surgery (http://www.allaboutplasticsurgery.com). When I posted what had happened to me it didn’t take long before I was inundated by questions about various aspects of the surgery. You can find that entry here: http://boobcast.net/2008/10/14/questions/ People expressed a great deal of concern about how well I had checked out the surgeon, what indications I might have had and what legal recourse I might have taken. During that period so many people gave their support and I am grateful for it. So my thanks goes out to the women of the All About Plastic Surgery forum. They were the ones who inspired the idea for BoobCast.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Gee Maria, why do you call it BoobCast? Were they wrapped in plaster or something at one point?”

No, dear reader. There are reasons this site is called BoobCast. In 2007 the podcasting community lost a precious member by the name of Joe Murphy. He died of a vicious type of cancer that took him quickly. During his medical treatments he talked in vivid detail about what was going on, the testing and all of it. His strength inspired me. I wanted to be as strong and as brave as Joe Murphy. So I planned to podcast what was going on with my breast necrosis. The name of that podcast was going to be BoobCast.

I never met Joe but his life inspired me. It just turns out that I’m not that strong or that brave. To honor that bravery I have kept the name.

I also owe thanks to a very dear friend, Tee Morris. When I was trying to find the strength to create BoobCast, He was there for me. He gave me mental and emotional support by letting me know that I *could* do it. I’m sorry I disapointed you Tee but want to thank you for being a friend when I needed one.

In the time I’ve been writing BoobCast I have had people email me directly for advice. Of course, after reading the email, my advice was always “Contact your PS (plastic surgeon) and ask for [fill-in-the-blank]. Whether it was about bruising, skin texture or pain, I advised talking to their doctor. If they couldn’t get a decent answer from that doctor, talk to another one.

The one that really broke my heart was the husband of a woman who, a few days previous the email, had the same procedure I had. According to her husband, the pain pills her PS had given her weren’t doing much and she was in constant pain. She couldn’t eat or sleep and she was suffering. I told her husband to call her PS immediately and insist on different pain meds and not take NO for an answer. i explained that, right now it was his job to advocate for his wife since she couldn’t do it herself.

A couple days later I got an email from him saying that her PS had changed her meds and she was doing MUCH better. It’s emails like those that made BoobCast well worth the emotional pain of writing those early posts.

I also want to thank everyone who talked to me about BoobCast at DragonCon last year. Being told in person that I’m making a difference means the world to me. Thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

Finally, my thanks to Carol Montoya, Lolly Daskal and the Woman At Denny’s. I promise that once I’ve had nipple reconstruction and recuperate from that, I WILL write the book. The foundation is in the works already.

My thanks to you all for reading, commenting and talking to me. Here’s to another 200!

Leave a comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on January 18, 2010 in anchor breast lift, Anxiety, barter, boob job, Bra Fitting, bra sizes, Bras, breast, breast cancer, breast health, breast implants, breast lift, breast reconstruction, breast size, breast volume, Cash fees, checkup, chemotherapy chemical, clogged surgical drains, communication, complications, compression bra, compression dressing, cortisone, cosmetic surgery, cryotherapy, debreiding, debridement, deformity, dehiscence, Depression, Drain, Drugs, emotional healing, emotional scars, Excise, excise fluid, fear, Flashbacks, flourouracil, Fluid, granular tissue, granulation tissue, Healing, Hospital, Hospital fees, Hosptial Costs, implants, Incisions, Infection, Insurance, interferon, Invisibility, keloid, keloid scars, laser, Latissimus flap, latissimus flap reconstruction, malpractice, mammogram, mastopexy, Medical, Medical Insurance, memory, Nausea, necrosis, negligence, Nipple prosthetics, Nipple reconstruction, Nipples, Pain, Pain Management, plastic surgeon, plastic surgery, Plastic Surgery Disaster, podcast, Post surgical depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Prescription Drug Addiction, Prosthetics, PTSD, radiation, Reconstruction, Recovery, Scars, Seroma, serous fluid, Sex, silicone sheets, situational depression, Sleep, slow healing, suicide, Surgery, Surgical complications, Surgical drains, Surgical Fees, Ta Ta Tuesday, Uncategorized, V.A.C. machine, Vacuum assisted wound closure, wet to dry bandages, wheelchair

Truth To Tell

09 Jan

Earlier I was reading through the entries from right before and right after my latissimus flap reconstruction in April of last year. I couldn’t help but notice the typos in some of those entries. I considered for a few minutes correcting those typos. Then I realized that the typos are actually a part of my story.

They are a visual example of the effects of the medication I was on. Since people are so visually attuned, I feel that it’s best if I leave it there so that people can not only read but also see the level of FUBAR I was then.

Yes I know that “spelling errors” look bad on a blog. I’m keeping those particular mess ups though and proper spelling be damned.

Leave a comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on January 9, 2010 in breast, breast reconstruction, communication, cosmetic surgery, Drugs, Healing, Pain, Pain Management, plastic surgery, Uncategorized

Check Up Part 3

04 Nov

I forgot to include something in yesterday’s post. Dr. Elliott had mentioned that he wanted to make sure that my breast tissue has become softer. For the first few weeks right after surgery, my new boobies were really hard and stiff. They were actually very hard. It reminded me of how hard my breasts were after the initial implant surgery.

I pointed out a place across the top of my left breast that, to me, felt harder that the rest of the breast tissue. After gently prodding at it a bit in examination Dr. Elliott explained that the harder area is the top of the muscle flap. He also explained that in comparison to what HE meant my hard it was actually very soft and pliant.

Something that I found to be extremely bizarre is that where I thought had keloid scarring, upon examination, appeared to have nothing of the sort. I am chalking this up to a slightly poor fitting Caique bra from Lane Bryant. It is just a little too small and it makes the scar line feel a little lumpy after a whole day of wearing that type of bra.

That’s one more reason to have a proper bra fitting done. Even if you think it’s been done properly, sometimes it hasn’t. Even though their customer service is really, REALLY bad,

Leave a comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on November 4, 2009 in boob job, Bra Fitting, bra sizes, Bras, breast, breast health, breast reconstruction, breast size, breast volume, checkup, cosmetic surgery, Healing, implants, Incisions, keloid, keloid scars, Latissimus flap, latissimus flap reconstruction, plastic surgeon, plastic surgery, Reconstruction, slow healing, Uncategorized

Check Up Part 2

03 Nov

Dr. Elliott is EXTREMELY pleased with how well the Twins are doing. He’s thrilled with how much they’ve softened and how well the scars are fading. He’s also pleased with how my back looks.

While he was looking and “groping” (forgive me Dr. Elliott, I don’t know what else to call it when you check to see how they feel) we talked about the things I was curious about. First, I found out the reason my back has that plasticky feeling like someone set down a layer of plastic wrap across a wide section of my back.

The reason for that is that he basically disected my back, probably doing more surgical maneuvering back there than in my chest. The crackly feeling is where scar tissue has formed in kind of a sheet. It will probably take another six months or so for that to release. He gave the same prognosis for the numb areas, although those could take even longer.

We also talked about how subjective the term “recovery” is. You “recover” in the recovery room. You “recover” in the hospital. You “recover” after the surgery and that can take over a year dependent on which aspect of healing we’re talking about. For instance it took me about six months to get my endurance level back to where it was. Some people take more time. Others take less.

It’s subjective.

We also discussed nipple reconstruction. I told him it probably wouldn’t be until this time next year. He said it didn’t matter. We could do it tomorrow, next week or five years from now. Personally *I* was just relieved that he wasn’t planning to retire any time soon.

Another thing we touched on was doing a breast lift. His concern is that there wouldn’t be much point to it because as heavy as the Twins are, they would end up right back where they are in no time at all. I would have to lose at least 30 pounds before it would become feasible.

My big issue with that is around that point the Twins will start getting smaller. As I’ve written before, to watch them shrink away is like watching my original breasts rot away. I just can’t handle that right now. I just can’t. As i sit here typing I can feel the panic rising and the tears filling my eyes. I CAN’T lose them again.

Okay, okay, I know logically that I’m not losing them. They’re a part of me and I love them dearly. I’m just SO not ready for that. And for the first time in my life I’m content to weigh 218.

We also discussed the two little places on my sides that look like little handles. he called them puckers I think. (Dr. Elliott, if you read this please leave a comment and correct my verbage). He said they were normal and occurred as part of the surgery. We could do a little lipo to lessen them but to tuck the skin would require another incision. Dr. Elliott didn’t seem very keen on another couple of incisions on me and I’m really quite okay with that. He explained that when you do the tummy tuck type breast reconstruction you get the same thing at the hip bone area.

Dr. Elliott made a point of mentioning that he was SO happy we had gone with the latissimus flap reconstruction rather than the tummy tuck. We both had been extremely concerned about possible complications. The tummy tuck procedure simply carries more risk and more risk was the LAST thing I needed.

So all in all the Twins are doing great. He wants to see me again Aprilish for my one year check up. In the mean time I REALLY hope that he checks in. He seemed really interested in my blogs.

And in case I haven’t said it enough, he’s an amazing doctor. Every woman who has to go through reconstruction for ANY reason should go see Dr. Elliott at Atlanta Plastic Surgery (http://www.atlplastic.com).

Persistent Situational Depression

09 Oct

April 16th was a very good day. Aside from the morphine I was fortunate enough to get my breasts back. Not the originals, of course. These are the new and improved version. In JumboVision.

Yet it has taken me until today to see even more than a glimpse of my old self. I’ve been going through the motions of living distracting myself with new projects (http://www.fledgelingskeptic.wordpress.com) and just getting through the day-to-day aspects of living.

This afternoon I saw, for just a little while, that adventurous me. This is the part of me that takes unrestrained joy in just throwing a handful of clothes in a bag, getting in the car and driving just to see where we end up. If I had my way I wouldn’t be writing this entry right now. I’d be packing and getting ready to leave for who knows where.

Sadly, I don’t get to have my way. So that’s a bit depressing. This is the first time in years that I’ve seen that side of myself and it has been denied. Hubby would rather make plans for the weekend and stick with those.

While I’m depressed that I’m not going to be able to express that long-buried part of myself, I am so very happy to see that it still exists. I really thought it had long since died off. No more spontaneity. Ever.

I think that I had just gone through so much for so long that I got stuck in a situation-based depressive state. Now, almost six months after reconstruction, I’m finally returning to my old self.

I think it’s probably going to take a little while longer. I still have quite a bit of emotional recovering to do. I’m looking forward to the time that I don’t get sad during the first few weeks of October. I know that time will come. I just have to get to that point.

As people keep telling me, healing takes time. It’s not just the physical body that needs to recover. It’s everything else; the mental and emotional as well. It’s just a matter of time.

Leave a comment

Posted by Maria_Myrback on October 9, 2009 in Anxiety, breast reconstruction, communication, Depression, emotional healing, emotional scars, Healing, Plastic Surgery Disaster, Post surgical depression, Recovery, situational depression, Uncategorized

Search This Site
Search
Categories
Archives
Email Subscription

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,127 other followers
Networked Blogs

Follow this blog
Follow Blog via Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 1,127 other followers

Category Archives: Healing

Search This Site

Categories

Archives

Email Subscription

Networked Blogs

Follow Blog via Email

Follow “Boobcast”